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The holiday season is the perfect time to refresh our understanding of boundaries. While there’s abundant information available about boundaries nowadays, I want to share some key aspects of boundary-setting that I’ve found particularly important in my work as a therapist:
1. Safety first
The most fundamental boundary question is: “Am I safe?” Consider whether your boundaries will keep you safe. When clients tell me they want to cut off contact with someone, I pause to examine if it’s truly necessary. Sometimes it is—we need to keep ourselves away from people who threaten our mental health, well-being, or physical safety (not just those who are annoying).
2. Holiday reality check
Around the holidays, we’re often confronted with idealized versions of family life. Even though TV shows are more realistic now than when I grew up, those old holiday movies still make everything look just so “nice.” Remember: people aren’t perfect. Things can be messy, silly, or even absurd. Having a preemptive plan helps us stay grounded.
3. Self-reflection without self-blame
When dealing with difficult interactions, examine your own character traits and take personal responsibility—not with self-blame, but with honest awareness. Sometimes it’s not what we’re saying, but how we’re reacting to others. If you’re not sure, you can check this out with a neutral friend. Or, better yet, with the objectivity you’ll find in a therapy session.
4. The power of the pause
Rather than being “triggered” (a strong word, I know), think of situations as prompts or cues. Use the power of the pause—retreating to what someone I know calls “the chamber of enlightenment” (the bathroom!) can be your chance to reconsider how you want to respond and what outcome you’re seeking. I sometimes visualize how I want to feel about my response the next day.
5. Personal time boundaries
Practice setting boundaries with your own time. Use journaling as a gentle way to start—commit to writing for five minutes or filling up one whole page. The yoga mat is another boundary (I take “keep your eyes on your own mat” very seriously!). Even a plate can be a boundary.
6. Managing personal comments
Have responses ready for comments about weight, diet talk, or questions like “Are you taking Ozempic?” Consider not commenting on others’ appearances unless it’s something like, “Oh my gosh, you look so happy!” or “You look so refreshed from your vacation.”
7. Resources for growth
For deeper learning, I recommend The Language of Letting Go Journal by Melody Beattie, Boundaries and the Boundaries Workbook by John Townsend and Henry Cloud, and Set Boundaries, Find Peace and the Set Boundaries Workbook by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
Remember, boundaries are like permeable fences—we get to decide when to open them a little bit or close them. They work for everything from keeping us safe to helping us feel okay about interactions after the fact. When we set and maintain boundaries, we empower ourselves and take precious care of ourselves. There’s real satisfaction in working hard for something and then accomplishing it.