On Belonging

[caption id="attachment_2210" align="aligncenter" width="425"] © jul14ka – Fotolia.com[/caption] Eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating are so self-focused and isolating, it’s very tough to have healthy relationships. So what comes first? Healing the disorder, or healing your relationship issues? We know that it’s really important to fill that “belonging” need that we get from being part of clubs or groups. Yet according to Maslow’s hierarchy, we have to have our physiological needs and basic safety and security in place before we seek that feeling of belonging. The answer may be that it all has to be done at the same time. That may sometimes mean taking one step forward with support, and then another step forward with the food, and vice versa. 12-step groups provide a wonderful atmosphere of support, yet some people find it too painful to witness other people’s hardships. When people are fully immersed in the disorder, it can be hard to support someone else. How can you comfort another person when you’re feeling so uncomfortable yourself? It can also be hard to create that supportive relationship artificially, like in a therapy group of people who are all struggling to recover both physically and emotionally. In one group I used “speed therapy,” a new take on speed dating. Since the group members weren’t naturally reaching out to each other in between sessions to connect, I paired them up and had them answer a series of questions – deep topics they wouldn’t necessarily bring to the whole group. I appreciated how they were willing to try it, too.

How to find and develop supportive friendships

Outside of therapy and recovery groups, there are many places to meet people and strike up friendships (here is some advice from Wall Street Journal and Fast Company). To find people who share your interests, look for groups dedicated to your passions. It’s a very deliberate way of forming a community. How about something you’ve always wanted to learn or explore, like a foreign language or some kind of creative outlet? Learning something new together helps form a “newbie” bond with others. You could join a yoga class, art group, book study or choir, or look for Meetup events. Another reason it may be difficult to reach out is the fear of getting better, of letting go of the protection of being in the eating disorder. Moving towards new people means leaving that familiar life behind. Author Jenni Schaefer helps people transition from life with an eating disorder. She called hers Ed and equates recovery with getting a divorce from the disease. That separation can open your life up to having healthier relationships and achieving true love and belonging.