Healing Childhood Hurts

One of the ways we come to terms with childhood pain, trauma, and unmet needs is to think, “My parents did the best they could with what they had.”

Even when you know you were loved as a child, you can still acknowledge that your needs weren’t met. All feelings are justified. We never know someone’s past situations and what skills our parents had to meet the challenge of raising kids. It’s not about mending every one of those situations, but it’s worth asking the question: Did my parents do their best?

As parents, there will always be times when we could have done better. So is it ever justified to blame our parents for the damage done and cut them off? While the idea can sting—especially if you’re a parent—it might be the right thing to do in some situations. Not to punish your parents, but to protect yourself while you heal.

What are some ways to heal from childhood hurts?

• Therapy: This might include specialized modalities like ART for trauma recovery, inner child work, and grief counseling. Remember that we cannot change someone else; we can only work on ourselves.
• Forgiveness: This is by no means about letting someone off the hook. It’s about letting go of the pain that’s in you. We forgive so WE are healthy. Forgiveness is a complex process; please seek support from a therapist or spiritual leader.
• Boundaries: Let go of all-or-nothing thinking. You may not have to give up the relationship completely, but change how you interact (e.g., notes and letters versus in-person conversations).

The farther we get from childhood, and the more work we do on ourselves, whether in therapy, in twelve-step recovery, or in other ways, we find ways to meet those unmet needs. Rather than self-flagellate, mimicking the critical voices we may have heard, we learn to self-nurture, self-soothe, and self-parent.